30 Day Journal 2

Inside Outside Upside Down

A couple of years ago, I tried this daily journaling "thing" and, while challenging for a bunch of reasons, it was also a positive experience. On the eve of my 40th birthday, I'm going to try it again. The first topic is Journey, with the following quote:

“There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.” — Rainer Maria Rilke

Going inside is crucial. But if you don't take what you learn when you go inside and use it on the outside, does it really matter what your journey is? Of course it matters, but in my own personal journeys inside - down rabbit holes and up to the sky - I am often focused on how I will use what I'm figuring out to do better, see more, help others, live a more peaceful existence. Is the Western in me too strong to just be? To just journey for the sake of the journey? I find that almost incomprehensible, though very appealing. To journey for the sake of the journey. I almost felt that way once, backpacking through Europe. But even then, it was about learning, expanding, deepening, and it changed the course of my life and the way I look at so many things forever more. I could not "unsee" or "unlearn" or "unknow" the things I had experienced and come to recognize. The same can be said of becoming a mother - for sure. While that journey is more outward in its daily expressions, it is beyond a doubt an inward journey of learning so very much that I never even knew could exist before I was living it.

And, now, today, on the eve of my 40th birthday, I begin to think about the new journeys ahead, the years, the moments, the experiences, the ambitions that I'm finally allowing to reawaken step-by-step, moment-by-moment, trying to remind myself that as so many things, this journey is not linear. It's not meant to be. It doesn't have to be. It would be less revealing if it were. I am still and likely always will be terrified of something or many things, because, that, that is part of me and I think always will be. But I am certainly pushing myself in new and different ways to tell the fear to wait a minute, an hour, a day - because I have something more important to do, to figure out. I have a journey to go on and I don't know where it's going to take me quite yet, but perhaps that's the point. If I keep telling myself I can't wait, perhaps this is the moment I will start believing it's true.