Fruit in my dessert

links for 2011-01-31

• Parenthood, Not Abortion, Linked to Mental Illness - NYTimes.com
  not sure if this should be about pro-choice or pro-life, but interesting and details worthy of reading.

links for 2011-01-21

• Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior - WSJ.com
  The original article that sparked the controversy. It is not a true excerpt, but instead a few pieces spliced together. Regardless, it has stirred up the emotions of a nation. I have things to say and hope to post them soon. But for now, happy reading.
• Tiger Mom: Amy Chua Parenting Memoir Raises American Fears - TIME
  A thoughtful and in-depth piece on Amy Chua book and story
• Disgrasian: Are Chinese Mothers Superior? You Can Decide for Yourself
  I've yet to write my blog post on this, but this is one of the only follow up pieces that I can get behind.
• The Good Works of Sargent Shriver - Scott Stossel - Politics - The Atlantic
  How to be inspired to do good for others. Always.

Good vs. Easy

I've thought a lot before, and maybe even written about simple and easy not being the same thing. But a new comparison recently hit me as it specifically relates to parenting: good vs. easy. Here's what my original thought was: I can have good days and bad days, and maybe even the occasional simple (uncomplicated) day. But there are no easy days. I'm pretty sure as a parent of two young children, an easy day doesn't exist. Things can go exceedingly well all day, from wake up to bed time, but it takes a mountain of effort all along the way. And the kicker - the part that makes me go cuckoo a lot occasionally, is that same mountain of effort can result in a not good day. As someone who has spent her life excelling in so many areas with much confidence and consistency, this concept is just plain bonkers to me and I've got the lesson already, so could we please move on? If doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, what does it mean when you do the same thing over and over and expect the SAME result but get a different one? Because I'm pretty sure it's not keeping me sane.

Texting with my mom

I am so loving that my mom has joined the world of texting. We have these silly little conversations that would just never happen on the phone or over email. Here's just a small sample from this morning:

Mom: Going to BJs for a few things. Want anything?

Me: Yeah. A wife. Do they sell those?

[One hour later]

Mom: FYI - no wives on sale. A few were returned because they just didn't work. Figured we didn't want damaged goods.

Me: I don't know. Damaged might be better than nothing at this point. How much? Any husbands or were they all broken beyond repair?

To be continued...or not.

Right after I posted this, my mom wrote back again (she's going to kill me for blogging this - he he). I didn't know until right now how much of my sense of humor I got from her. Did she?

Mom: They are sending the wives to the islands for the rest of the winter. They'll return in the spring and will go on sale for $1.5 million. Husbands on shelves looked like Ken and we know he's no help at all. Doesn't like to get dirty!

I'm Listening Now

We have recently entered a new phase of not listening around here. At first, I thought it was just an H thing, but it turns out it's SO a me thing, too. At nap time today, H decided to get up and come out of his room a few times and at one point was also "messing" with L when he came out. I told him to go back in bed and I would check on him in a minute and I said it more than a few times. I finally then said I was going to take his trains away because he was not listening. This tactic is one that has bothered and confused me for some time (read: as long as H has had the ability to not listen to my commands and requests). I often think it's a silly thing to do because unless he's in the middle of playing with a toy (which never seems to be the case when he's not listening), I don't find it very effective. And today, I figured out the other problem I have with it: when it is effective, really effective, it just makes us both sad. When I started to put his trains away because he was not getting back in bed, he lost it, really lost it. He was so upset by my actions with his trains that he couldn't contain himself. I was very calm but started to feel like a monster. He kept asking me to stop but I didn't listen because I too had lost control, though it was perhaps not visible. He went back in bed and I went to change L's diaper and he was still very upset, pleading with me to put his trains back on the track - and not whining (I don't really do whining), but ridiculously upset. As soon as I was done with L, I went to H's room to comfort him and make up, but he was asleep already. I just put every last train back on the track so they'll be there when he wakes up, fully knowing that he will likely say that one or more of them is "in the wrong spot" when he does.

Here's the thing, one could argue that I was effective because he went to bed and to sleep without me having to do anything else after taking the trains away. One could argue that this is the right way to handle a situation like this, and maybe sometimes it is. But for me, making my three year old that upset - devastated - even for a few minutes, wasn't worth it. At least not today.

Often, after H doesn't listen to a repeated request or command several times, I'll say something like,
"I'm going to do X" or "then we're not going to do X" and if I start to take action, he will often then say, "but I'm listening now" and follow through on the request or command. I know there are multiple times throughout the day, every day, where he has to repeat himself to me (and the other adults and children in his life) (several times) because I'm doing something with L, or talking to another adult, or just distracted generally. I mean, when I think about it, it must feel like to him sometimes like no one is listening to him and that has got to be infuriating. I should know.

I'm listening now.

Good writing

I saved this quote some time ago and never posted it. It's from Grey's Anatomy. It's a show we used to watch religiously in this house, but have only seen bits and pieces in the last few seasons. It's a monologue delivered by Dr. MIranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson):

I'm in the middle of a divorce. People call me the Nazi and it's not because of my ice blue eyes. I spend 12 hours a day carving people up and I like it. I have a child and I have no room for casual anything. I'm angry all of the time and deeply confused because a lot of people in my life have let me down recently and one of them was me. It's devastating but not completely because it turns out I like sleeping crosswise in the bed and not having to shave my legs. My three-year-old used to be potty trained and now he isn't because his father no longer lives with us and his world no longer makes sense and the only thing he thinks he can control is his bladder so he urinates in a lot of places you wish he wouldn't urinate. You want lunch or you want to show me the scan?

I don't have much in common with Dr. Bailey on paper or off, but I love this quote and the angry, well thought out passion and truth it holds.

Compromise

Wrote a post

Got deleted

Angry now

Depleted

Baby sucking on my toes (not like that)

First time I laughed today

2pm is too late for my first laugh

Need to make some changes

For now we'll stick with crawling.

(I used to write poetry)

In the middle of...

Both kids just woke up unexpectedly early from their naps. Before they did, I was sitting at my computer in "accomplish" mode, but that's all that I remember. I can't, for the life of me, remember what it was that I was accomplishing. As is often the case since motherhood hit, I am constantly interrupting myself to do one thing instead of another, particularly when the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied. I am constantly re- and de-prioritizing the smallest of activities. "Should I pour this glass of chocolate milk for myself or clean up the mess on the table?" "Which thing can I do with the kids in sight and awake (e.g. this blog post - H is watching Angelina Ballerina and L is playing at my feet) and needing me and which thing can only be (or more easily) accomplished on my own (e.g. laundry, home repair, writing)?" Hmmm, I put writing in both categories. I do not call this multi-tasking because I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in true multitasking, but rather the idea that we switch rapidly between activities. But really what it is is a mess. Because now I'm too unfocused to even finish this post. Off to "accomplish" some more parenting of small children. If only it worked that way.

Best birthday ever

I got to sleep in a little bit, then go to the trainer, who beat me to a pulp (read: planks where I had to reach up and push a ball to her and alternatively slap her hand) and managed to laugh through it. A family walk to the holiday shopping tents at Columbus Circle, where H picked out a new ornament (a school bus) for our tree and we had "Henry and Lucy 2010" written on it. A stop at one of my favorite playgrounds (Heckscher) for some running around. A trip down to TKTS to wait in line - by myself. Tickets secured (at the box office). A night out on the town with dinner that included yummy lobster sliders and a show, Promises, Promises, with my favorite guy in the whole world. Parents to babysit the kids who didn't fuss or make us worry about leaving, and a night in a borrowed hotel apt thanks to B's parents, with window coverings that when fully utilized make me not know what time it is and enabled me to sleep until 8:30 when my body dramatically reminded me that I'm still breastfeeding. A spontaneous trip down to my old hood for the best vanilla latte and a surprising croque monsieur. An easy time hailing a cab in windy rain storm back home to happily engaged children who were so happy to see us. So lucky, so thankful.

There's only one catch: It was Brian's birthday, not mine. I hope he had fun too.

links for 2010-11-08

• Disney Junior and Nick Jr. Square Off in the Fight for Preschoolers' TV Viewing - WSJ.com
  Ah, TV. The 32 hour average makes me feel a little less guilty for the watching we do here, but this article makes it clear that while much of the programming has positive qualities - and I do believe in entertainment for entertainment's sake - no one (save PBS, though not wholly) involved in the "turf wars" actually has children's best interests at heart.
• Molly Jong-Fast on Growing Up With Erica Jong - WSJ.com
  Erica Jong's commentary on her own mother as mother. Interesting. But I think she misses the point at the end. She too is making sacrifices for her children. We just don't all make the same ones in the same ways.
• Erica Jong on the Madness of Modern Motherhood - WSJ.com
  this may be a bit oversimplified and makes a scapegoat out of attachment parenting, but much of this piece resonated very strongly with me. what do you think?