Moments of madness strip me of the fantasy that I am meant to do this, even in the short term. Moments of yelling, screaming, and fully “losing it,” shout at me that I do not want this to be my full time job. I am angry that maybe for the first time I’ve found a job that I can’t do well. This is not to say that I don’t think that I’m the best mother that ever lived. I know what my kids need and want in a way no one else can or will. I will forever be – or hope to be - their primary place of comfort, acceptance, love, and understanding. At least until they are able, hopefully, to find a partner like I did to take on that role for them (because of course I have set them up well to do so). I know I don’t have this level of control over their lives, but I’m still working on actually acting like I believe that. I think I needed them to be my only purpose for a bit. I thought that bit would last longer. But I don’t think they can be my only purpose any longer. They are three and almost one and I’m ready to figure out who I am again – without them. It’s time - for them and for me – to figure out what’s next. Maybe some of that will be writing about them and my experience as their mother, in the least exploitative way possible, so I can make sense of my experience, and hopefully help others with similar experiences along the way. A happy mom makes a happy family. It has always sounded so trite to me (so many mommy sayings do). I now say that because I know it, not because I pretend to think it’s true. I love them more than life. But they’re not going to know that enough if I’m with them all of the time – and seem frustrated or thwarted or downright angry. And neither am I. I love myself too. And this is one of the ways I can make sure I – and they – know it. [Gulp] [Jump]







