Fruit in my dessert

Announcing Shiny Object Syndrome

Some of my regular visitors may have noticed a new link on the home page of Fruit in my dessert. Shiny Object Syndrome is a new section of the blog where I will review products. As it says there, I often get asked for recommendations on baby and kid products...and I also give them when I don't get asked. As my friends know, I'm the girl who spends hours researching before making a purchase. Many times that research pays off. Sometimes it doesn't. Shiny Object Syndrome is what I have to say about a lot of products so far...and there's a lot more coming. I've also made simple categories so you can search the archives a few different ways:

• not necessary, basics, if you can splurge, worth every penny
• baby, young child

Let me know what you think! I also hope to add a children's book review section soon!

Too much and not enough

Moments of madness strip me of the fantasy that I am meant to do this, even in the short term. Moments of yelling, screaming, and fully “losing it,” shout at me that I do not want this to be my full time job. I am angry that maybe for the first time I’ve found a job that I can’t do well. This is not to say that I don’t think that I’m the best mother that ever lived. I know what my kids need and want in a way no one else can or will. I will forever be – or hope to be - their primary place of comfort, acceptance, love, and understanding. At least until they are able, hopefully, to find a partner like I did to take on that role for them (because of course I have set them up well to do so). I know I don’t have this level of control over their lives, but I’m still working on actually acting like I believe that. I think I needed them to be my only purpose for a bit. I thought that bit would last longer. But I don’t think they can be my only purpose any longer. They are three and almost one and I’m ready to figure out who I am again – without them. It’s time - for them and for me – to figure out what’s next. Maybe some of that will be writing about them and my experience as their mother, in the least exploitative way possible, so I can make sense of my experience, and hopefully help others with similar experiences along the way. A happy mom makes a happy family. It has always sounded so trite to me (so many mommy sayings do). I now say that because I know it, not because I pretend to think it’s true. I love them more than life. But they’re not going to know that enough if I’m with them all of the time – and seem frustrated or thwarted or downright angry. And neither am I. I love myself too. And this is one of the ways I can make sure I – and they – know it. [Gulp] [Jump]

In Case I Forget

Tonight's bedtime was a bit challenging because L has entered the stage where she'd rather crawl and stand and throw things out of her crib than go to sleep. She shares a room with H so if her shenanigans - which include throwing her pacifier out of the crib, or lowering her hand down outside of the crib and actually chucking it under the crib making its retrieval a bit more challenging...in the dark - continue past H's alotted reading time, it can get a bit dicey. I'd like to let her work it out a bit for herself - once I know she's all set up with the things she needs - but I don't want to mess with his sleep either. So tonight, when she couldn't seem to calm herself, I sat on the floor between their beds and H suggested I tell her a story about George in the jungle, which I started to do and then we switched to singing. He not only laid there and sang with me (after me asking him to stop "reading" his book so loudly several times), but gave suggestions for songs..."Let's do Twinkle Little Star." She quieted down, laid down, and I left the room imagining them both drifting off to sleep.

Less than two minutes later, H called out, "Mom, I need the fuzzy blankie," which means he needs me to tuck him in, which pre-room sharing wouldn't have caused the reaction it did. I was a bit furious because him yelling out to me woke her up and started the whole process over again. While I know he knows this in theory, and he occasionally does things like this to stir the pot, I'm pretty sure this was a genuine case of him being three and not even thinking twice about calling for his mom to tuck him back in.

As we started to sing her back down again, he suggested a new song about trains that I wasn't familiar with. It turns out he was making it up as he went along. He said, "First you have to say the words, then you sing them." This was particularly helpful since he was teaching me the song as we went. "The train is going down the track. It's the 5 train. There are only 2 passengers in the station. So the train picked the 2 passengers up." There was a chorus and everything.

After this, and some meds (for Lucy), because I finally decided maybe her teeth were bothering her too, all went quiet on the western front.

When I imagined my children sharing a room, it was mostly because I thought it would be fun (overall), give them even more opportunity to bond with each other, and because I had enjoyed sharing a room with my sister so much when we were young. What I didn't imagine is how helpful it would be to me. Granted, there are blips where they wake each other up, but when I picture the scenario of L crying and fussing in her own room and me dealing with it on my own without the calm, self assured patience of my three year old singing and working through it with me ("she's not going to sleep. what do you think we should do?" "L, go to sleep." "L, lay down.") and the near game quality of it all, I became much less stressed, much more relaxed, and actually enjoyed some moments in the midst of it. Bonus: he got to feel helpful too!

So in case I forget later, thanks, H. You're my best boy.

disclosure

If I ever say to you, "I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking," I'm lying. I am very likely sorry, but I WAS thinking. I forget things, yes, and a lot more now than before my short term memory was snatched by babies, but I'm ALWAYS thinking, usually too much, about things that don't require me to think as much as I do. Anyways, I thought you should know.

Texting with my mom

I am so loving that my mom has joined the world of texting. We have these silly little conversations that would just never happen on the phone or over email. Here's just a small sample from this morning:

Mom: Going to BJs for a few things. Want anything?

Me: Yeah. A wife. Do they sell those?

[One hour later]

Mom: FYI - no wives on sale. A few were returned because they just didn't work. Figured we didn't want damaged goods.

Me: I don't know. Damaged might be better than nothing at this point. How much? Any husbands or were they all broken beyond repair?

To be continued...or not.

Right after I posted this, my mom wrote back again (she's going to kill me for blogging this - he he). I didn't know until right now how much of my sense of humor I got from her. Did she?

Mom: They are sending the wives to the islands for the rest of the winter. They'll return in the spring and will go on sale for $1.5 million. Husbands on shelves looked like Ken and we know he's no help at all. Doesn't like to get dirty!

I'm Listening Now

We have recently entered a new phase of not listening around here. At first, I thought it was just an H thing, but it turns out it's SO a me thing, too. At nap time today, H decided to get up and come out of his room a few times and at one point was also "messing" with L when he came out. I told him to go back in bed and I would check on him in a minute and I said it more than a few times. I finally then said I was going to take his trains away because he was not listening. This tactic is one that has bothered and confused me for some time (read: as long as H has had the ability to not listen to my commands and requests). I often think it's a silly thing to do because unless he's in the middle of playing with a toy (which never seems to be the case when he's not listening), I don't find it very effective. And today, I figured out the other problem I have with it: when it is effective, really effective, it just makes us both sad. When I started to put his trains away because he was not getting back in bed, he lost it, really lost it. He was so upset by my actions with his trains that he couldn't contain himself. I was very calm but started to feel like a monster. He kept asking me to stop but I didn't listen because I too had lost control, though it was perhaps not visible. He went back in bed and I went to change L's diaper and he was still very upset, pleading with me to put his trains back on the track - and not whining (I don't really do whining), but ridiculously upset. As soon as I was done with L, I went to H's room to comfort him and make up, but he was asleep already. I just put every last train back on the track so they'll be there when he wakes up, fully knowing that he will likely say that one or more of them is "in the wrong spot" when he does.

Here's the thing, one could argue that I was effective because he went to bed and to sleep without me having to do anything else after taking the trains away. One could argue that this is the right way to handle a situation like this, and maybe sometimes it is. But for me, making my three year old that upset - devastated - even for a few minutes, wasn't worth it. At least not today.

Often, after H doesn't listen to a repeated request or command several times, I'll say something like,
"I'm going to do X" or "then we're not going to do X" and if I start to take action, he will often then say, "but I'm listening now" and follow through on the request or command. I know there are multiple times throughout the day, every day, where he has to repeat himself to me (and the other adults and children in his life) (several times) because I'm doing something with L, or talking to another adult, or just distracted generally. I mean, when I think about it, it must feel like to him sometimes like no one is listening to him and that has got to be infuriating. I should know.

I'm listening now.

Compromise

Wrote a post

Got deleted

Angry now

Depleted

Baby sucking on my toes (not like that)

First time I laughed today

2pm is too late for my first laugh

Need to make some changes

For now we'll stick with crawling.

(I used to write poetry)

In the middle of...

Both kids just woke up unexpectedly early from their naps. Before they did, I was sitting at my computer in "accomplish" mode, but that's all that I remember. I can't, for the life of me, remember what it was that I was accomplishing. As is often the case since motherhood hit, I am constantly interrupting myself to do one thing instead of another, particularly when the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied. I am constantly re- and de-prioritizing the smallest of activities. "Should I pour this glass of chocolate milk for myself or clean up the mess on the table?" "Which thing can I do with the kids in sight and awake (e.g. this blog post - H is watching Angelina Ballerina and L is playing at my feet) and needing me and which thing can only be (or more easily) accomplished on my own (e.g. laundry, home repair, writing)?" Hmmm, I put writing in both categories. I do not call this multi-tasking because I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in true multitasking, but rather the idea that we switch rapidly between activities. But really what it is is a mess. Because now I'm too unfocused to even finish this post. Off to "accomplish" some more parenting of small children. If only it worked that way.

Best birthday ever

I got to sleep in a little bit, then go to the trainer, who beat me to a pulp (read: planks where I had to reach up and push a ball to her and alternatively slap her hand) and managed to laugh through it. A family walk to the holiday shopping tents at Columbus Circle, where H picked out a new ornament (a school bus) for our tree and we had "Henry and Lucy 2010" written on it. A stop at one of my favorite playgrounds (Heckscher) for some running around. A trip down to TKTS to wait in line - by myself. Tickets secured (at the box office). A night out on the town with dinner that included yummy lobster sliders and a show, Promises, Promises, with my favorite guy in the whole world. Parents to babysit the kids who didn't fuss or make us worry about leaving, and a night in a borrowed hotel apt thanks to B's parents, with window coverings that when fully utilized make me not know what time it is and enabled me to sleep until 8:30 when my body dramatically reminded me that I'm still breastfeeding. A spontaneous trip down to my old hood for the best vanilla latte and a surprising croque monsieur. An easy time hailing a cab in windy rain storm back home to happily engaged children who were so happy to see us. So lucky, so thankful.

There's only one catch: It was Brian's birthday, not mine. I hope he had fun too.

Little Things

Some things I'm thankful for RIGHT now:

1. Singing Empire State of Mind with Henry (accompanied by Alicia Keyes and JayZ) during bath time tonight and having him belt out, "New York, New York."

2. The anticipation of spending an hour with Henry tomorrow, just the two of us, in a cooking class. So thrilled to be able to focus on him completely AND maybe learn a thing or two in the kitchen.

3. A husband who rushes home in a taxi from the airport and asks me to keep Henry up so he can see him (and finish bedtime) because he won't see him in the morning.

4. Glee - and the Season Pass I created for it (don't ask why we didn't do this sooner) - and the fact that the last song of the premier episode tonight was What I Did for Love from A Chorus Line, one of my favorite shows EVER.

5. Speaking of Broadway, the fact that I got to take my 10-year-old niece to her first Broadway Show (Wicked) this weekend and she and I both had an amazing time...and hopefully it added a little magical inspiration to her life, like it always does to mine.

6. I thought Gossip Girl was on tonight, but it's on Mondays so I missed it. Ah, but Brian Season Passed it last week. That makes 2 for the husband (#3) and two for TiVo Season Passes (#4).

7. Infant Tylenol for baby fevers and teething. The newer non-recalled version.

8. A baby who through her fever and teething, went with me to an appointment, actually enjoyed most of her first music class with her big brother and a whole bunch of chaos there, and an afternoon trip to the park with more toddlers and chaos, even if she made me carry her all the way home (I forgot a carrier). It was a workout, but I loved being needed in that particular way in that particular moment.

9. The Double BOB, that allowed #8 to be possible. I don't think another stroller, with a toddler in it, would have done the same.

10. Which brings us back to the toddler again (#1, #2). Man, do I love him. Through all of our turmoil and battles of late, there's no one I'd rather learn about life from - the ferries, the puppets, the dogs, the people, the love...the fact that sometimes the only way to express himself is to cry and (standing barefoot on the sidewalk) throw shoes in the direction of my head as I sit on the steps outside of music class with his baby sister crying in her carrier, well, because, a stranger (a fellow music class adult) touched, or rather, helped move him (gently) out of the way so people could get by with a stroller, and he wasn't ready to move so he wasn't moving even though I had asked him to move several times already, but could not reach him to help him move myself. It's really tough to be two.