Many of you know about my fairly well documented "issue" of staying up way past my bedtime. I have long blamed my parents (duh) for having this problem because they gave me a tv for Christmas one year and I stayed up late every night watching David Letterman - in the days when he wasn't on until 12:30, and then there was the fact that my dad always worked really late (in our basement) so I had someone to stay up with, even though we weren't in the same room or even on the same floor - at least until I got older and he'd be up when I came home from a night out and we'd watch Cops and eat ice cream until 1am. But I digress.
I have tried all sorts of things to "correct" my problem, including a reward chart - something I don't even do with my children! No, it wasn't a joke, but it was a spectacular failure. I have also tried to get B-husband involved and invested, thinking that two people changing a habit is better than one - and heck - he falls asleep on the couch all the time, so getting him to bed before he passed out seemed like it could be a fun challenge for both of us. Well, either there are ALWAYS "special" sporting events that go late or my timing was just bad [says the girl typing next to her husband watching the BCS Championship game]. Nothing works, not consistently anyway.
What's the big deal, you ask? So you go to bed a little late...get over it. Well, I'm one of those people who needs a good 7 to 8 hours - and everyone who has to deal with me when I don't get it always wishes I did. I mean I can function without it - for days, even weeks - but I'm much snippier, snappier, crankier...and INefficient and UNfocused, which makes me even snippier, snappier, crankier. Throw in a 2-year-old who acts like a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old who sometimes acts like a 3-year-old and you wind up with a 30-ahem-year-old who acts like a 2-year-old. Add some work frustration, logistics issues, and a slightly imperfect husband on the third Tuesday of the second month of the year...you get the picture.
What dawned on me tonight is what I think is the ROOT cause of my issue. It's not my parents' fault for buying the tv, it's not my dad's fault for being nocturnal, it's not even...wait for it...B-husband's fault for not wanting to get on my early-to-bed train. I think the issue is that with ALL the coolness that has faded away from my life in the last several years, starting with the mononeucleosis-debacle of 1996, this may just be the last vestige [no laughing, please] of me thinking I'm a cool kid, a rebel, a young person who can do whatever she wants whenever she wants because nobody is the boss of me and I can if I want to...really, I can. I'll show you all! Mooowahhaaahhhaaa!
Yeah, not so much, I'm not that cool. And truth be told, I never really was, or much of a rebel either. But with all of the control exerted within, without, on top of my daily life, and the lack of control I have over all of it (when I'm willing to admit that), this was my (idiotic) piece de resistance (too tired to insert accents). Did you catch that past tense? Now that I know what the root cause is, I can just STOP pretending...and go to bed. Goodnight. Darn. I'm already 20 minutes late.