I'm in a bit of a state this week - not New York state, though that's true too, but one of my frenetic, anxious, can't focus, so much to do so little time, nothing's quite right, should I call the therapist kind of states. I can see all the things contributing, but I'm not even in the mood to try to relax myself or use one of my many calming techniques because, well, I'm in a bit of a state. Nothing dramatic, just grrrr.
As I sit here in my state, wanting to accomplish things for our home: we just purchased a new mattress and I'm panicked I don't like it and it was a million dollars and the exchange policy is frightening and I don't know which one I would want instead, and we need a bed, and nightstands, and paint, and...well, we don't need any of those things but I'm picking this very visual and tangible thing to be frustrated about because it's easier than being frustrated about intangible things...even though those aren't ridiculously dramatic either. Oh, bother. That wasn't a sentence at all. I also have lots I want to accomplish for my paying job, well, because I like it, and I think I'm doing well, but I need more time, more focus, more energy, more, more, more.
Where was I? As I sit here, I realize that my browser (yes, internet browser) habits are reflecting my life habits or vice versa. I used to be a one or two window at a time girl...maybe because that was all that was possible? I don't remember. I'm "reading" aka listening to the Steve Jobs biography...maybe it will remember for me. But now, and for as long as I can remember in recent (post-child bearing) history, I'm a 10-20 window or "tab" girl. It makes Brian twitch when he sees all the windows open (he also twitches as I calmly type with my battery anywhere from 89-7% with no plug in site). Back to the metaphor. I have all these windows open, and I leave them open because I'm not done with what I'm doing in that window - reading something, researching something, writing something, buying something, snooping around about something, finding something for work, paying bills, debating whether to sign the kid(s) up for a class or a camp or myself for a gym, obsessing over calendars and schedules and prices, looking up things we'll never buy and places we'll never go to avoid figuring out how to set up an account to transfer money. Sometimes the things get "accomplished," but more often than not lately it seems that they don't, and sometimes the window stays open for weeks until my computer gets mad at me and shuts them all down and I start over again (though my BFF, Firefox tends to restore them even then).
So many open windows, so little time, and even when I have the time, I don't use it just right or my brain fights against me to not accomplish the task at hand and then I think of something else more important - or more fun - to do. I don't have an inspired closing thought on this, which I suppose is appropriate for this post. But I think I'll hit "Publish" before I go open another window. Then I can count this as an accomplishment for the day. Maybe I should go open a real window...I think the AC is getting to me.