Strike a chord

What do you do all day?

I've heard some version of this question quite a bit in the last 15 months and have never really been able to answer it very well. And because I haven't been able to answer it well, I have often questioned myself in a similar tone to the question asker featured here...what DO I do all day? I mean, seriously. I used to be paid to make people and things and processes more efficient. Why, then, have I done crazy things like missed not one, but several bill payments in the last year, effectively, in my mind, destroying much more than my credit rating with the credit card companies? Or not responded to actual important emails from people who are doing things to help me out? Or (nearly? I can't remember) missed appointments because I didn't know what day it was? Or, or...

Carolyn Hax, Style Columnist for the Washington Post answered this question for her Tell Me About It column all the way back in 2007 for the unnamed questioner from Tacoma, Washington. I think she answered it for everyone else too, even the stay-at-home-moms in question. And, well, she answered it with style. I'm less concerned with the "snit" parts and more with the actual list of stuff. It's a good reminder and yes, of course, validating too. And, I know this isn't my friend asking, because I'm the person who does call my friends ALL the time, the ones with kids, without kids, kids themselves. I like to talk. Have I mentioned that? Maybe that's why the bills aren't getting paid. But I digress. The question:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Carolyn's answer:

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Thanks and credit to my friend KD for alerting me to this column by posting it on Facebook.

Comments

[KD]

I'm glad you appreciated the column! I liked the list too. I also smiled thinking that I may have asked the exact same question (minus any snit hopefully) in my pre-baby days... Life as a parent is definitely something you have to experience to truly understand.

[AR]

Hi Karen et al,

Step back a bit.

Too many of us are caught up in the American, and, in particular, New England Calvinist, drive to demonstrate one's worthiness through work, especially productivity by others' definitions. In our culture, this sometimes means "work" that is valued as reflected through earnings, devaluing other work that is not paid in the market. But, it also means that even work in the home, such as the important work of child rearing is not respected as work, or that one should only do that in addition to other (paid) work. Further, it means that one can never enjoy time that is not "productive" time. It has become a badge of honor to be too busy, all the time. A destructive American trend, I think.

In terms of child rearing, remember those who do it are making a contribution to society. That can be a positive of a negative contribution, depending upon the care and priorities. And, you, specifically who are raising a white, somewhat privileged male, will contribute a great deal if you can help him learn to resist much of the cultural, social, and economic structures that create his privilege. We need white males who are not sexist, racist, hateful, violent, stupid, inconsiderate, etc. We need white males who grow up to be thoughtful, loving, gentle, personally and socially responsible adults. If you are able to guide him in this way, it's work well worth doing, for all of us.

I do not have the finances and energy to have children full time. I try to assist friends with theirs, when they want and when I am able. I also knew, when of childbearing age, what a change it would make in my life, and although tempted, wasn't sure I wanted to, or could, make that change. Now I am older, and my health and finances are more precarious, it turned out that not having kids was the best decision for me. But those who don't understand how your life has changed, are just ignorant, and not very empathic. If you have the energy, and they are worth it to you, you could try to inform them. But, if they are that clueless, they may not be teachable or worth the energy it would take from you. It's surprising how many people have difficulty understanding a situation unless or until they experience it for themselves.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to try to rest enough and enjoy what time you do have raising your son, and any further kids. And, please be easier on yourself. Be thankful you can raise your son without having to work full time as well. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself generally, and specifically in terms of anything you think you ought to be doing, but cannot now. The work you are doing is good important work, and simply trying to enjoy life once in a while, having time for yourself and those you enjoy, is no crime. Finally, stay away from the toxic people.

AR