focus

I have a list of blog posts that i want to write. I usually come up with them laying in bed at night and roll over to write them down on BH's Michigan post-it pad that has mysteriously ended up on my nightstand. I write things like:

• I read InStyle but I don't live/dress InStyle
• Cookies
• Chief performance officer

and more detailed ones too, like:

• Raising baby simultaneously euphoric and wondering what to do next
• Logistics of doing things when you think of them
• Were these obsessions (e.g. parabens) invented for SAHMs or people with too much time to focus on the wrong things - busy, doing what? Not what I want. Analogous to kids with after school activities doing better than kids without? More to manage, focus on the important stuff.

That last one is my problem. I'm not focusing on the important stuff. I have so much I want to write about, so much I want to do, but the days go by and somehow I manage not to do the things I want to get done, not to make the most of EVERY possible moment, and of course, not to let it go. Then the night comes, and I log on to check and maybe even respond to email, and I get lost in the tangled Web that others have weaved to trap me here. I read and sob about the death of someone else's child because I am so afraid that it could happen to my child. I read friends' blogs and "friends'" blogs, and strangers' blogs, and twitter, and facebook.

I help other people think about their passions, their projects. I get inspired. And then I get blurry. I can't think of what to write, what to do, what is actually the important stuff. 

And then I climb into bed and read books like Unconditional Parenting or Be Perfect Without Being Happy Happy Without Being Perfect and fiction alongside them for good balance. I stay up too late, which makes getting up energized and motivated more difficult.

Part of the reason I became a stay-at-home-mom (a term I am still not happy with), aside from wanting to spend exorbitant amounts of time with my son, was to give myself some time and space to try new things, things I've always wanted to try, for fun and for serious. And, in the last 15 months, I've dabbled, but not jumped in all the way to anything, and I'm getting impatient. I'm ready for all of that passion I have bottled up inside me to be put to good use (I think my husband is too - wink, wink). Use, use, what is the good use!?!?!?

I think this is what some people may call a rut. But I don't want to say that I'm in a rut because that says something about me. And I don't think I like what it says. I am happy, d***it, most of the time. I just feel very unFOCUSED of late. And, I've been talking a lot to other stay at home moms (it's what I do) and they feel this way a lot too. We're focusing on the wrong things, obsessing about decisions and parabens and schedules and all sorts of things that I wish I wasn't. It's time to DO something that MEANS something to ME. But how? But when? I really think I just need to start doing and the "thing" that I'm supposed to do will come. I don't think I can take it as far as a vision board, but maybe I will.

WWOD? (What Would Oprah* Do?) I think we both know she wouldn't be wasting her time writing a blog post about it, would she? In fact, if Oprah weren't Oprah, would she even watch Oprah? Man, I've got a lot of work to do.

*I do realize that including Oprah in my post may make some of you think less of me, and worse, less of the post. Sometimes, including Oprah in my thoughts makes me think less of me too. But I can't help it. It is what it is. In the future, I'll try to warn you if she's going to be in the post, so as not to jerk you out of your reading pleasure or thoughts.

Comments

[Amy]

You're focusing on this topic, that's saying something! I have the same trouble getting past being home with the baby and surviving day to day. It's harder with 2, I just try and do something I'm passionate about once a week. Small goals, right? Love the blog. :) Amy

p.s. I, too, read InStyle. But I wouldn't buy anything in there - too expensive!

[Mrs. G]

Um, what exactly where you planning on doing in addition to your full time job as a mother? I understand the inclination but I have to say I'm surprised to hear you say it because it wasn't something that ever crossed my mind. Interesting.

[JML]

Your blog post raises an excellent point but I'm left with the feeling that having to be productive EVERY single moment is not realistic when raising infants and toddlers. Lacking focus isn't a character flaw, I think it's a evolutionary survival technique. Sometimes, I think that the overwhelming nature of being responsible for the care, feeding, education, and well-being of a small, very dependent baby or toddler is a bigger job than we give ourselves credit. Having a moment to ourselves that *could* be productive might be better spent just recouping some energy and sanity. :-)

There is so much pressure in today's culture for women to 'have it all' or 'do it all' - or perhaps it is pressure that we place upon ourselves. In either case, it's not terribly helpful to feel like we're failing because we're "just" raising children.

Be proud of all that you do for and with HD.