My sister and I have always been close. When she entered the world of mommyhood, I remember thinking that it was the logical next step in her path. She left her job as a corporate vice president when her first was 9 months old to be a SAHM. At the time, I was newly dating my now husband, less than two years out of college, living in a big city with an exciting job and a relatively care-free life. We talked often then but I don't remember the early details of her life as a mom. She claims she cried to me on the phone over what to do when she was home with the baby and feeling totally out of her mind. What I do know, is that now she has three children and they are amazing in every sense of the word and my sister made them that way. She does so many things that make their world go around, helps friends and family in small and not-so-small ways ALL the time, and is constantly working on improving herself, her marriage, her attitude, and her life.
I write this post as an ode to my sister not because of any one thing that she does, but because now I'm the one who left her job as a nonprofit vice president to be a SAHM mom to a fabulous six-month old baby and although I worship my child and love being his mom, I'm tired and frustrated, often in conflict about what I should be doing with him, without him, and how. How should I be feeling? How can someone as brilliant as me not be getting ANYTHING done at all? How could I have paid that bill late, not responded to that email? Why aren't I singing more songs, playing more games, enjoying him more!?!?!?!? Why doesn't singing songs and playing with toys take up more time in the day? How has laundry become an activity and not just a necessity? And why do I feel so conflicted? I'm at home with him and I don't wish I was back at work, but why can't I just enjoy this time? Why can't I just BE? All at once I feel completely selfless and selfish.
I know these feelings aren't unique to me. I know my sister has had them and has them still. What amazes me is that she has handled it all so well and before now I didn't quite understand what that meant, and what it must take to be as awesome as she is and it just makes me think that much more highly of her. I've never been more thankful to have her ahead of me on a path.
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