Fruit in my dessert

I hate that I love my SUV

One of the best and worst things my husband brought to our relationship was his 1999 GMC Yukon. It's enormous inside and out. I teased him from the very beginning about driving a gas guzzler while working for a man with the initials AG. Although I briefly drove a mini-van, I mostly grew up with foreign cars with manual gear shifts and our family of four pulled our pop-up camper with a VW Scirocco. However, like other things in life, once you have a big car, it's hard to go back. Much to my dismay, I have grown to love the car/truck over the last several years. It is high up, very easy to maneuver, has no blind spots, fits lots of things, like a couch when you're moving (with all doors shut), boxes of files when you leave your job, a regulation size American flag and stand that may have once stood in the White House, party or community service supplies when your nonprofit can't afford renting a truck, and currently, as much baby gear as we want at the same time as the baby. We have filled the Yukon to the brim on many occasions. It is also a very smooth ride. But I just can't stop making excuses about it. Maybe it's because I always aim to be greener than I am, or because I live in a city full of Priuses, or because I just simply feel horrendous guilt about contributing more than my fair share to global warming,but I think about it ALL the time.

My new rationale for not getting rid of it and buying something more energy efficient, is that, unless we destroy our car, we'll still be adding to the overall carbon footprint. So, someone, PLEASE make a big, fat, beautiful SUV that gets better mileage than a Prius or doesn't need gas at all. Make lots of them so when our Yukon does go to truck heaven (100K miles and counting). Rid me of (almost) the only guilt that continuously eats at me and makes me fear we'll be kicked out of our local Energy Smackdown competition.

Just for the record, I do carry my reusable shopping bags in the back of the truck at all times.

Maybe I am passive aggressive after all

I pride myself on being direct with people. This pride is reinforced when I take personality tests in which I "discover" my work style so that I can work effectively with people who operate like me and people who don't. People tell me I'm direct and that they come to me for direct feedback. I think I pride myself so much on being direct because I equate it with being honest, trustworthy, and loyal, attributes that I want all of my friends and family to have. But every once in a while I catch myself doing something that is questionable.

Today, I was walking along the sidewalk toward Starbucks, pushing my sleeping baby in his stroller, and talking on my new hands-free Bluetooth, purchased so I can walk/drive and talk if and when the mood strikes me or a "need" to be on the phone arises at a moment's notice. Two young men stood a couple of yards away from the Starbucks on the sidewalk, asking passersby if they had a moment to talk about the environment. I'm not sure if they were looking for donations or petitions to be signed, but when one of them asked me if I had a moment, I motioned to him that I was on the phone. I finished my call as I entered Starbucks and took the Bluetooth out of my ear. After I got my beverage I thought for a moment and decided to put my Bluetooth back in and this time pretended to be on the phone as I exited so they wouldn't stop me in the opposite direction.  As I did it, I thought it was weak, dishonest, and kind of silly. I have told people on the street many times before that I don't have time to stop or have just continued on my way. Why did I choose the Bluetooth option instead? Did I just not want to be bothered? Did I feel guilty for not stopping because I was in fact not really in a rush to get where I was going? Did this make me a liar? And why do this in a situation with little or no consequence? Did I think these people would be more or less offended, hurt, or angry at me if I didn't stop and I wasn't on the phone? I must admit I did get a bit of pleasure out of the whole experience, which I think is even more bizarre than the act of "faking it" in the first place. I wonder if I'll do it again next time.

Ode to my sister

My sister and I have always been close. When she entered the world of mommyhood, I remember thinking that it was the logical next step in her path. She left her job as a corporate vice president when her first was 9 months old to be a SAHM. At the time, I was newly dating my now husband, less than two years out of college, living in a big city with an exciting job and a relatively care-free life. We talked often then but I don't remember the early details of her life as a mom. She claims she cried to me on the phone over what to do when she was home with the baby and feeling totally out of her mind. What I do know, is that now she has three children and they are amazing in every sense of the word and my sister made them that way. She does so many things that make their world go around, helps friends and family in small and not-so-small ways ALL the time, and is constantly working on improving herself, her marriage, her attitude, and her life.

I write this post as an ode to my sister not because of any one thing that she does, but because now I'm the one who left her job as a nonprofit vice president to be a SAHM mom to a fabulous six-month old baby and although I worship my child and love being his mom, I'm tired and frustrated, often in conflict about what I should be doing with him, without him, and how. How should I be feeling? How can someone as brilliant as me not be getting ANYTHING done at all? How could I have paid that bill late, not responded to that email? Why aren't I singing more songs, playing more games, enjoying him more!?!?!?!? Why doesn't singing songs and playing with toys take up more time in the day? How has laundry become an activity and not just a necessity? And why do I feel so conflicted? I'm at home with him and I don't wish I was back at work, but why can't I just enjoy this time? Why can't I just BE? All at once I feel completely selfless and selfish.

I know these feelings aren't unique to me. I know my sister has had them and has them still. What amazes me is that she has handled it all so well and before now I didn't quite understand what that meant, and what it must take to be as awesome as she is and it just makes me think that much more highly of her. I've never been more thankful to have her ahead of me on a path.

I love my (former) health insurance provider

If only all companies could take a page out of Blue Cross Blue Shield MA's handbook. They have been my health insurance company for the past several years and I have repeatedly had such amazingly positive experiences with them that I'm actually sad that my insurance company is changing due to a job change (our family is going from a DINK family to one with a SAHM who never stays home and who might actually be a SWAT if she could figure out the time part...I digress). Today's example of BCBS's fabulousness in customer service:

We received a bill from a hospital where my son had a procedure done at the direction of his pediatrician. The hospital indicated that it had submitted a claim to my insurance company and that the insurance company said it was not a covered service. When I received the statement from the insurance company, the reason they gave for not covering it was because it was billed as a "routine diagnosis" - two words that have caused me much aggravation over the years in dealing with medical bills. Since it was, in fact, not a routine diagnosis, I called the insurance company and spoke with a lovely representative named Janet who took the details from me and then called the hospital billing department while I waited on the other line and took care of the WHOLE THING FOR ME. She even came back on the line after a couple of minutes to update me that she was on the phone with the hospital billing department and that they were working it out. When she finished with the hospital, she came back on the line with me, let me know that the hospital was going to change the diagnosis code, resubmit the claim and freeze the bill. She then offered to review the specifics of my coverage related to this medical diagnosis and informed me that my total due should be zero, gave me a confirmation code and sent me on my way. Thank you, Janet, and thank you BCBS of MA. I will miss you.

I have had several similar experiences with BCBS and in the rare instance where they were not able to solve the problem or tell me I was covered, their positive, helpful, and respectful attitude made up for it. I only wish every customer service experience, especially those that involve a lot of money and potentially a lot of stress and time, could be so wonderful. Other companies should try to steal their training manual - or maybe just call them and ask for a copy - they might just share it out of their seemingly authentic desire to be helpful.

so much to say

i've obsessed about starting this blog for an unspeakable amount of time. every time i think of something new to write, i say that i need to write it down, post it - for me, for you, for the world to see. twittering or tweeting just didn't give me the same satisfaction as i think this will...let's just hope i don't clam up and wind up with writers' block. i think the key will be to let it flow a bit more unedited than i normally do in print. i'll have to pretend i'm on the phone.